battle wound

I've had some things on my mind lately but haven't known quite how to put them down as meaningful strands of words. I've cried a lot this past week. True, I'm a crier, but lately my tears have been due to some harsh words spoken over me. I'm a recovering perfectionistic people-pleaser, but if I can just be transparent for a moment, I relapse into these habits more that I'd like to admit. About 2 years ago now I was given the freedom to fail and I'm walking in that as I'm learning to take faith risks, you know those scary times when the Lord asks you to do something irrational and downright crazy (in the world's eyes, anyway)? I'm also learning that not everyone is going to like me, accept me or even be nice to me. I've really struggled with sharing this story because I'm afraid of what you, my cyber-friends, might think of me, but it's a story I want to share...and maybe even more importantly, need to share.

Last week I met with a man who had registered for one of our programs. I went into the meeting thinking that I would explain more about our programs and answer any of his questions about the application process, support raising, and all the other steps involved in preparing to serve overseas. Apparently we didn't have the same agenda in mind and from the beginning I knew it wasn't going to go well. In his eyes I wasn't qualified to answer his questions and he was just never happy with my response to talk with our leadership about some of his "organizational" concerns and get back to him. The meeting started out uncomfortable and only got worse. In the course of 30 minutes I was told that I was one of the most disrespectful young women that this man had ever met, judgmental and that my attitude was borderline sinful. His attacks on my organization, age, gender and position were hard, but his attacks on my character cut me deep...I walked away from that meeting confused, beaten down and completely wounded. I've never in my life been talked to in such a demeaning manner, nor has death been spoken to me so directly. Immediately after this meeting I began to go over every little thing that happened, wondering how I could have acted so poorly when representing an organization that I love so dearly. His comments continue to ring in my ears even tonight. I accepted every harsh word he said, every evil eye he shot my way, every condescending wag of his finger. And, that night I actually believed those lies about myself.

I am now able to look at this situation with clearer vision. The comments spoken to me that night were straight from the enemy. I'm ashamed to say that I allowed this man to speak death straight into my life, yet I'm so very particular about those I allow to speak spiritual truth into my life. Why did I receive those lies so easily? One of my dear friends who is living in Vietnam sent me the greatest email and the last line is what struck me the most: all I can think is that some great things are on the horizon for someone to be working so hard against you. She knows my heart and knows what I believe the Lord is telling me as far as my future ministry. And lately I've had so many people speaking truth into who the Lord has made me to be that it really only makes sense that Satan would feel the need to kill, steal and destroy any amount of confidence that has been growing in my character, my hope, my faith. And maybe for the first time I'm really realizing that we are in a battle and that taking up my cross any following Him is something that I must do every single day. Although I've released these words from my life, I'm still healing from the wounds that they left behind. They're still tender and I continually go to the Lord for healing...for Him to speak truth into these lie wounds. And here is just a portion of what He's been telling me...

My love, you are the head and not the tail. You are above and not beneath. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are the apple of my eye. You are my daughter, my princess, and I have big plans for your life. I created you and more than anything...I love you.

My Father's words sooth, heal and empower me to do His will. And, I find that when I believe these words I am able to pray for this man and his future, that he will be blessed in all that he does. I am thankful that my wounds are turning into scars because I know that my scars will act as Light for others (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

You are deeply loved, dear ones!

stan

Today I'm working from a Starbucks right in the middle of Nashville. I'm sitting outside under the covered porch just minding my own business and enjoying the pretty music coming from my new purple ear buds. It's a beautiful day, about 80 degrees I'd guess and as long as the chilly breeze stays away I'm almost perfect, temperature wise (with my hoodie on of course).

As I was sitting here answering emails and preparing my calls and meeting for the afternoon a man sat down at a table across from me, clothes tattered and old backpack stuffed full of probably all he owns. Immediately the Lord told me to offer this man something to eat...my thoughts were flooded with excuses. I don't want to offend him. I can't leave my computer and stuff here at the table. And the worst one of all, I'm really not comfortable going up to him. Really? You're going to be too inconvenienced to offer someone something to eat and drink? Well...this man, who is probably nameless or worse, faceless, to most, has a deep booming voice, and gives a good, firm hand shake. His name is Stan and he loves a good vanilla latte.

I tell you this story because I can't even fathom how many Stan's I've walked by, how many I've avoided because of some rational excuse. I'm ashamed of myself because I pray daily for opportunities to share the love of Christ with others and then I turn my nose up to, or coward at, the opportunities that the Lord entrusts to me. I'm heartbroken because our society is so numb, so blind to the needs of others. We have conditioned ourselves to avoid eye contact and walk on by the lame and hurting. We are so plugged in that we forget there are actually people, flesh and blood, breathing the same air around us. We stay inside our safe homes, our safe churches even, shining our light among other lights. But what about our call to be the Light in the places overwhelmed by darkness? Oh, no. Those are scary, unsafe, and we'll just leave those places for the really super spiritual folks.

I guess that's the thing about faith. It's not promised safety or comfort. But really, what good adventure is safe or comfortable? It's in the thrills that our breath is taken away, our hearts beat uncontrollably and we learn that it's way better to be right in the middle of the action than sitting on the sidelines watching. Let's be fierce warriors and warrior princesses. We are loved unconditionally and if we truly believe that Christ is the only way to salvation it's far more risky to do nothing.

confession

If you know me at all you know that I'm generally a rule follower. Well, I did touch the rhino at the Big Bass Pro Shop in Tuscaloosa even though the sign clearly stated Please Do Not Touch. I know, they even said *please* but I did it. I just reached my finger across the rope and poked the guy. I also climbed past one of the roped off parts of The Great Wall in China, which in China is really more of a suggestion than a rule, but still. I could really go on and on about rules that I've broken, maybe I should stop considering myself a follower and start the 12 step process to admitting my problem...that will have to come later because I am going to tell you about something that I disobey every Sunday, at church...

The past couple of church families that I have had the privilege of serving alongside have not had formal alter calls at the end of each service. Instead, during the closing prayer the pastors will say something like, "If you do not know Jesus and you would like to invite Him into your life today will you please slip your hand up. No one's looking around, all heads are bowed and eyes are closed..." This is the part of the prayer when I actually look up... I open my eyes. Now I know that this is done so people don't feel uncomfortable, but I love rejoicing when a new brothers and sisters make the most important decision of their lives! I always get teary eyed, feeling the need to welcome them into the family with a big hug. Today I was sitting on the end of a row right by the door and when I opened my eyes I saw a man two seats in front of me raise his hand. I'm not talking a shy kind of wavy raise. Nope. He had his hand high, he wanted to make his commitment known! After the service I made eye contact with him and gave him a big teary smile. He probably knows that I opened my eyes, but I think he appreciated my knowing smile. My prayer for these new believers is that they tell someone and seek out wise counsel and discipleship and continue to delve deep into knowing the Lord. And, really, that's what we all should be doing...

I've been listening to the new Hillsong Live CD...okay, so I've actually only listened to the entire thing a few times through. I have Rise on repeat. I can't help it--it is speaking so directly to my soul right now. Sometimes I'll think to myself okay, this is the last time but my finger never makes that commitment to press the button and the song starts again. I can't really pick out my favorite part of the song (other than the Ooos), but below is just a teaser. You should check it out, for real!

The universe on its knees

See the stars in surrender

God above kings and queens

Every idol will bend and break

But our God You will never fail

Forever and ever

Remember, dear one, our God will never fail! Press on!

prayer journey

Anticipation. Excitement. Fear. These are just some of the emotions that have been living in me the past couple of weeks. I've had such an unrest in my spirit and the Lord has challenged me to start asking big and expecting big. But every time I sit down to pray there's an underlying fear. Fear of what? Failure? Disappointment? Well, sure...but what the Lord has really revealed is that I am afraid that He will actually give me the desires of my heart. I know, it sounds so silly. Why wouldn't I want the desires of my heart to be fulfilled? I think the best way to answer this is simply because in order for my heart's desires to be realized God has to make them happen. My dreams require God. Period. I have to give him full and complete control and let Him work. This is hard for me for two reasons: one, because I like to be in control; two, because what the Lord has placed on my heart is huge and I'm not quite sure I have the confidence in myself to pray for such things. Plus, I've realized that I have all assurance and faith when praying for others, and am not surprised in the least when the Lord answers those prayers. However, when I pray for myself my faith is so weak, a pitiful...if you don't mind...if you have time...kind of attitude.

I've been so burdened with the need to pray lately. For friends and family. For churches. For leaders. It's been really overwhelming. So, I now have specific days allotted to pray for different individuals. Not in a legalistic sort or way, but rather for intentionality. How often do we say I'll be praying for you and forget the request the minute we step away from the person? I don't want to be that person; I want to be a woman of faith, prayer, integrity. And, if the Lord puts an individual on my heart and, *gasp*, it's not his/her day I'm going to lift them up, listening and being obedient to those prompting from the Spirit. This past week I felt the Lord telling me to partner in intentional agreement with a friend for 21 days. So, I enlisted my sweet friend Kelli. We have committed to agreeing specifically, intentionally and expectantly in prayer for one another each day for 21 days. I know that there is power in prayer. Power. So, here we go...what a joy and honor it is to stand in the gap for another...what a joy to know that another is standing in the gap for me...

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! -Ephesians 3:20-21

conviction from the unlikely...

Overwhelmed. That’s how I feel every time I stop at a light and see another person holding up a sign expressing need. What can I do to make a difference in these precious lives—does giving them a $5 bill really help? Ease my conscience? What can I really do anyway? If I’m being completely honest most of the time I find myself hunting around for loose bills (which, let’s face it, who carries cash these days?) or spare change and by the time I find something to give the light is green and horns are sounding. We’re always in such a hurry. And, I often have to fight those judgmental thoughts that like to show their ugly faces. Who am I to judge? I don’t even know their situations. Do I even care to know where they’ve been and what they’ve seen…or am I more concerned about my agenda and my comfortable ministry? Truth: I would rather not step too far out there—that’s just, well, uncomfortable.

So yesterday I was faced with this dilemma. I was the only car at the light, in the left hand turn lane on my way home. There was a young man, maybe around 25, on the right corner pulling his arms around himself to stay warm and dry. What can I do, Lord? What? About that time a young guy pulled up next to me in a red Audi. He was getting a cigarette for himself and without a moment’s hesitation he pulled out his last cigarette and searched around, I’m guessing, in his console until he found what he was looking for. He rolled the passenger window down and motioned for the man. With his arm stretched far and a big smile on his face he handed the man a cigarette, a lighter and a waded piece of paper, (I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it was money). As I watched this brief encounter I couldn’t hold back the tears. There was absolutely no judgment passed between the two, there was no reservation, no second thought. In no way am I condoning or suggesting that we aide addictions, but what are we, as believers, doing? And, more importantly, is it working?  I can almost guarantee you that that man on the corner would have listened to anything that the guy in the red car had to say. He gave generously, was kind and passed no judgment. I was convicted…by a cigarette…to change my thinking towards what ministry should look like.

I’m not going to start passing out cigarettes or anything, but I know that I will not take a passive role any longer with this issue. I’m praying for holy intervention and creativity, and I’m going to take action. My heart’s passion is women’s ministry—I love it! I am refreshed and refined when I am able to pour into the lives of women. However, that doesn’t excuse me from neglecting the needs of others. Love. It knows no limits or boundaries. It’s unconditional in its purest form. And I know the only One who loves so selflessly, perfectly. Shouldn’t they?

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

-John 13:34-35

yes please

It’s been quite some time since I intentionally set aside more than my daily “quiet time” with the Lord. I’ve felt His gentle whisper inviting me to fellowship with Him, never demanding but always hopeful. My life is busy these days. The truth is, however, that I just haven’t wanted to spend extra time with Him lately. I know that He’s going to ask me to do things that are uncomfortable and, quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing crickets concerning certain situations. I’m tired of crying tears that seem to go unnoticed. I’m tired of serving Him with so much and feeling so…tired. I'm tired of simply going through the motions. Be still, my beloved.

So I got up early Saturday morning, devoting my day to prayer and fellowship. Within minutes of pouring my morning coffee I was praising Him for the beautiful, crisp morning, his goodness and grace, his provision. I then began thanking Him for the many amazing women in my life and lifting up their spoken and unspoken needs and requests. Isn’t that just like the Lord? Redirecting our affections off of ourselves. It was only then that the Lord began dealing with my own heart issues. Am I even expecting the Lord to accomplish all that He has promised? Do I pray with the same faith for myself that I do for others? Do I need to forgive someone(s)?

It’s amazing how refreshed my soul was after my morning with Him. Seriously, refreshed. And while I am still a work in progress I am immensely grateful that to the Lord for continually renewing my mind. And, thankful that He has equipped me with everything I will need for this journey. 

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Tim. 3:17

I love you, dear ones! Press on!

poor poor pitiful...me?

I'm having one of those weeks where everything seems to be annoying me. Of course, the slurping of coffee and chomping of gum are things that always send a surge of annoyance up my spine. But this week I have been hyper-sensitive. I was annoyed by things like the sound of typing keyboards, low humming and laughter. I know. And then I'd get annoyed for being annoyed at such trivial things.

The past couple of weeks have been hard, but last Thursday I hit the peak. I was given some news that should have excited and flattered me, but instead it seemed to bring all of my insecurities to the surface. I mean, the chance of this thing actually happening is slim, but the point I'm making here is that there is a chance that this thing could happen. When I think about the ways that the Lord is moving in my life it both scares and excites me. So last Thursday as I was laying wide awake feeding my insecurities of not being (add insecurity) enough I was convicted by the fact that I have been so self-absorbed lately. The devil comes to *steal , kill and destroy* and that's exactly what he has been accomplishing within me lately. I've let him whisper lies to me and I've accepted them as truth. So, I'm working on the second part of that verse *I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.*

I want a full life. So, I've started the process, again, of letting the Lord search those places in my heart that are guarded by lock and key. It's hard, but the beautiful thing is that He will never tell me that I'm not (add insecurity) enough. For, I am the apple of His eye and nothing that I do will separate me from his perfect love. That's just freeing. And it makes me feel like dancing. If I were an iPod girl I'd like to think that I would look something like this: