battle wound

I've had some things on my mind lately but haven't known quite how to put them down as meaningful strands of words. I've cried a lot this past week. True, I'm a crier, but lately my tears have been due to some harsh words spoken over me. I'm a recovering perfectionistic people-pleaser, but if I can just be transparent for a moment, I relapse into these habits more that I'd like to admit. About 2 years ago now I was given the freedom to fail and I'm walking in that as I'm learning to take faith risks, you know those scary times when the Lord asks you to do something irrational and downright crazy (in the world's eyes, anyway)? I'm also learning that not everyone is going to like me, accept me or even be nice to me. I've really struggled with sharing this story because I'm afraid of what you, my cyber-friends, might think of me, but it's a story I want to share...and maybe even more importantly, need to share.

Last week I met with a man who had registered for one of our programs. I went into the meeting thinking that I would explain more about our programs and answer any of his questions about the application process, support raising, and all the other steps involved in preparing to serve overseas. Apparently we didn't have the same agenda in mind and from the beginning I knew it wasn't going to go well. In his eyes I wasn't qualified to answer his questions and he was just never happy with my response to talk with our leadership about some of his "organizational" concerns and get back to him. The meeting started out uncomfortable and only got worse. In the course of 30 minutes I was told that I was one of the most disrespectful young women that this man had ever met, judgmental and that my attitude was borderline sinful. His attacks on my organization, age, gender and position were hard, but his attacks on my character cut me deep...I walked away from that meeting confused, beaten down and completely wounded. I've never in my life been talked to in such a demeaning manner, nor has death been spoken to me so directly. Immediately after this meeting I began to go over every little thing that happened, wondering how I could have acted so poorly when representing an organization that I love so dearly. His comments continue to ring in my ears even tonight. I accepted every harsh word he said, every evil eye he shot my way, every condescending wag of his finger. And, that night I actually believed those lies about myself.

I am now able to look at this situation with clearer vision. The comments spoken to me that night were straight from the enemy. I'm ashamed to say that I allowed this man to speak death straight into my life, yet I'm so very particular about those I allow to speak spiritual truth into my life. Why did I receive those lies so easily? One of my dear friends who is living in Vietnam sent me the greatest email and the last line is what struck me the most: all I can think is that some great things are on the horizon for someone to be working so hard against you. She knows my heart and knows what I believe the Lord is telling me as far as my future ministry. And lately I've had so many people speaking truth into who the Lord has made me to be that it really only makes sense that Satan would feel the need to kill, steal and destroy any amount of confidence that has been growing in my character, my hope, my faith. And maybe for the first time I'm really realizing that we are in a battle and that taking up my cross any following Him is something that I must do every single day. Although I've released these words from my life, I'm still healing from the wounds that they left behind. They're still tender and I continually go to the Lord for healing...for Him to speak truth into these lie wounds. And here is just a portion of what He's been telling me...

My love, you are the head and not the tail. You are above and not beneath. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are the apple of my eye. You are my daughter, my princess, and I have big plans for your life. I created you and more than anything...I love you.

My Father's words sooth, heal and empower me to do His will. And, I find that when I believe these words I am able to pray for this man and his future, that he will be blessed in all that he does. I am thankful that my wounds are turning into scars because I know that my scars will act as Light for others (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

You are deeply loved, dear ones!